When life doesnt seem to be adding up… Blame math.

Why can’t other people give in to the innate urge to be happy when other people are happy? Isn’t laughter, smile, sugar spice and everything nice as contagious as H5N1 in chickens and turkeys?

I have been "with" my Fiance’ for a considerably long time now. We have shared quite a bit of ups and downs "together" (the quotation marks indicate pruverbialness due to our proximity from each other; uhm about a whole ocean, but we are really together sill, no matter what). We have share some with friends, some we kept to ourselves, some caused some tears to roll down and some we thought would just go away and die a natural death.

She recently told me that she received a text message from an unidentifiable entity telling her "bad things". Well, to cut it short, someone is out to break us apart. Telling "bad things" about me. Well, that person does not know what waste of time he’she had to go through to send that message, coz plainly, he/she is not going through. Message invalid. I was thinking how that person searched for a free internet service to be able to send an SMS message to my fiance’. Imagine the effort and time spent. This person must really have no life. None whatsoever. I’m assuming this is the same person that sent her messages through Madsy’s YM and some on to her Myspace a long time ago. Grow up. Move on.

It’s sad how far other people would go just to make other happy people’s lives miserable. As miserable as theirs I guess. This person probably makes his/her life interesting by reading pocketbooks wee into the middle of the night, or have several textpals with encoded names and uses a different name as well. He or she probably is still telling herself that all her/his failed relationship(s) in the past is not his/her fault and that he/she is the victim, and that its not his/her lost. Bitter? I thought so too.

This same person is probably wasting precious money-making time by looking at my profile and reading this actual brain fart that I’m having in the middle of the night. To some Hannibalish degree, I feel flattered for the time this person is spending on me and mads, so he/she can do recon work on us and try to clean hi/her tracks so we cannot figure out who he/she is. Dont worry, there is no figuring out. It’s obvious who you are, and it’s just sad. No, not pathetic, it’s… Sad.

I don’t go out to the world and claim that we are happy that we hav the most perfect of relationships that we are invincible. No. Not really, We cry often together and by ourselves. Sometimes even over the phone because we just, well, plainly miss each other. We litter our work and living space with pictures of each other because for every sad moment that we have we have a bigger happy smile to replace that, thanks to the memories we have of each other. We also keep ourselves strong stable and happy by thinking of the other things we have planned and have in store for each other for the rest of our lives together.

So, this is just one brain fart of mine on blog. If that person is reading this; Kudos to you because I actually spent time for you. Aren’t you happy? Isn’t that what you want? Well, here you go. But in actuality, I’ve got more important things to do like wipe the shit off of my shoe, yes that’s more important than you. But this one time is an exception. There is no shit on my shoe coz its all in you mouth.

One thing that makes me sleep well at night is that this person tries to be anonymous. If he or she is really concerned, he/she would have come forward, introduced him/herself to establish credibility and actually blurted out her/his "concern". But no. He/she had to be mysterious. Oh well… Sad. I’ll go to sleep now knowing that this person thinks he/she is the center of the world, that this person is bitter that people are not talking about her, that this person dwells on the past mistakes and thinks that it is not his/her fault, that this person does not have space in her/his mind and heart for change, improvement, for forgiveness and the possibility of a truly blessed and happy life.

You know who you are. And so do I. And so do our other friends and acquaintances. They would probably also think you are pathetic and boring. They would think more lowly of you now because of all the effort you are pouring onto this very petty thing that is out of your reach and way beyond your understanding.

I wish you a happier outlook in life, I wish you someone who can show you that life can be better than imagined, I wish that you’d realize that you’d rather sleep than waste your time, that you’ll know that happinnes is a good thing and that someone who does not wish happinnes to his friends and loved ones do not wish happinnes to themselves. I really do, I wish you freedom from bitterness and that you will finally know that being happy can be, well, a choice sometimes, just like being bitter.

I am not here to prove to everybody how much I love Mads. It’s only to her that I need to prove it to every single waking moment and every moment in between.

For the longest time I’ve felt this pain on my back. I always wanted to get that nice back rub or back massage to ease those little pains from my neck down to my buttocks. It’s all becuase of work. Of office work. Damn it. Someone said, during our lifetime we are only given a spark of lunacy, and that we should sieze that moment. Here I am, rubbing my hard-ass attitude against a harder-assed world, alas, no spark.

Two weeks ago I went home. It was a little taste of what I have always been thinking about the last year. Smell the acrid Manila air and feel the warm salt water splash on my bare feet, My Girlfriends warm hug and sweet kisses.

The trip had it’s highlights and downtimes. Mads and I comfort ourselves with the knowledge that we are now actually spending time together, finally. We just told each other that even though we had times where we cried and felt fraustrated that we are already actually hugging each other and touching each others face.

Before my first night ended when I went back home I proposed to her. I knelt in front of her and openned the black satin box. She gasped in surprise and just hugged me tight. She cried, then I cried. We kept crying for another minute or two. Then I asked her, "will you marry me?". She said "yes" of course. The hard part of it all is that the whole time up to when I proposed I have always dreamed of it. Proposing.

We went to the beach, and with the company of good friends we, well, had fun. We took pictures, and played in the water. We had drinks and good food. We had fun. Most of us had a chance at a four dollar, full body massage with  coconut oil. Four dollars! The pain from the top of my neck down to my buttocks are gone. Four Dollars…

Now I’m back here. Now my Fiance and myself are back to being an ocean apart from each other. This time she’s has a ring on her finger. This time we have an idea how it feels to actually have hugged each other, kisssed each other and touched each others faces.

During that vacation the longing was gone. The pain was forgotten. During those few days it was as if we were invincible. But reality was innevitable. The ocean was mightier than us for now. For now… At the end of the day I guess the pain from the back of the neck down to my buttocks are bearable, are worth it. I guess the sacrifice will justify the good feeling that will be at the end of this whole debocle.

I cant wait. I cant wait for next time. I cant wait for my next "uwi". I will not mind the pain, the wait, it’s all gonna be worth it. There might not be another engagement, another ring, but four dollar massages are going to be welcomed.