When life doesnt seem to be adding up… Blame math.

In my 24 years 11 months and 28 days on this planet, I’ve encountered my fair share of filipinos that make crazy icky stuff crawl up my spine in the worst possible way. I have not, however, until now had felt loath and discompassion towards another person of whom I share the same honorable ancestor with. If it was Jose Rizal who met this absurd woman, he would have stuck his mighty pen through her eyeballs and slapped him with an unabridged version of El Filibusterismo left and right. I however, would want to just let the steam off of my tingled spine and let my honorable ancestors take care of her soul when they all meet her sometime in the future.

I walked into the office with all the positivity that I can muster becuase it was a wonderful day in Las Vegas. Sitting in front of my Boss, who is hawaiian-filipino, was a tiny older lady speaking (trying though) in a familiar sounding english. She boasted of the thickest promdi accent I have ever heard. I’ve heard of better accented english from people who have not stepped foot on american soil (including the US embassy in Manila). I am not here to complain about her accent (I have one too, for all I know), rather I am here to report to you reader how someone would rather pass herself as chinese (no offense to the chinese and their descendants) rather than Filipino.

She says she tells people she is asian, or chinese or japanese rather than proudly saying "I am a Filipino". She hails from Cebu, and from what I have gathered she is married to an american, does not have TFC at home, or so she says and would rather go to europe than go back home to the Philippines.

I expressed my optimism about going back home to the Philippines raise my kids the way I was raised and start a business there. My Boss Weilani, who has never been there, shares this sentiment. We both understand the potential of the Philippines in both cultural, artistic and of course business wise. She raises her daughter with the same strict and loving discipline her tatay raised her.

This cebuana loaths at the idea of going home. (No offense towards cabuanos as well) She complains that her relatives suck all the money out of her. She says that her relatives make "parinig" about how they need help on certain things, maybe they really do need help, right? She hates that now she has money that her family asks her to give them money every single time. I figured in my head the reason why she had wanted a better life in the first place? To become better off in life and step on the unfortunate others? No one can be that mean… right?

She complains how there is rampant corruption back home and that here in the States there is none. This, of course we had a laugh out of, my Boss and I. We had explained to her that the worst biggots and thieves are the same people who pluck their piece of your paycheck everymonth before it even gets directly deposited to you checking account. We had explained to her the War in Iraq and Afghanistan… That this is purely a war that makes these manipulative and powerful people richer at the price of the lives of innocent and hard working citizens. We paused to hear her reaction. She paused with us. I guess she just didn’t want to digest this piece of logical information.

Deep inside I thought, here is a woman who said that she will never go back to live again in the Philippines. She does not want to be called Filipino, she’d rather be mistaken as chinese or japanese.

Yes our country has got a big share of things we can be ashamed of. Yes we might not have the cleanest government or streets, nor do we have good paying jobs. What we do have though is a sense of pride, of history and of good values. For some reason she has turned her back on her homeland. I wish I can figure out why she is the way she is.

Now that I have almost finished writing this, I can say that my anger towards her is turning into pitty. I wonder if one day she will realize that she is living in a country where you don’t have people stealing your money becuase you are voluntarily giving it to them (the crooks). I hope one day that she might see that she lives in a society where your childrens classmate might come to school on a monday and kill them one by one becuase he saw it on TV, heard it from a song or was influenced by his friends. I hope she sees that she is in a world where respect for oneself, elders and your neighbor has been long forgotten. I pray she see’s that the songs, litterature and entertainment do not preach hope, love and good values, rather it hypnotizes you to spend spend spend, kill kill kill and fuck fuck fuck. I hope she realizes that she lives in a society that will forget her when she is old and frail and useless, that she will be sent to a nursing home to become an unappreciated grandparent. I hope one day she will realize that she lives in a country where people die of loneliness… the same people who wish they were just in a tropical country sipping iced tea under a coconut tree, not worry about credit card debt, interest rates or a threat of terrorist attacks or even their neighbor coming to kill them at night. For her sake I hope for all of these.

She is not ashamed of being a Filipino… No she’s not.

I am ashamed that she IS Filipino…

In a couple of minutes, I will be enjoying my Purefoods cornedbeef. Mads, on the other side of the world will be enjoying the famous quarter pounder from Isis. We wanted to eat at the same time. i wanted the burger, she’s been craving for the corned beef.

We are a month shy from celebrating our 2 years of officially being a couple. Of course we have our unofficial count but we’d rather commit that to the gallows of our fun filled memories.

The setting was on a restaurant on stilts, on a coll summer night with thunder storms brewing on the horizon. Words were expressed of which was how we really meant for each other. Words were expressed but was left to battle it out with the storm.

I remember that summer as if it was just last week. Most of the time, you tend to forget the sad memories and keep them locked in a dark dusty crevice of your mind. It was sad. Very sad for both of us. It hurt her the most I’m sure. Her feelings were in a tug of war for the past years and never letting go, always standing up no matter how many times she has fallen in mud. She won eventually.

Yesterday as I was driving home from a meeting at the office, I phoned her. I heard her voice and it sounded like any other wake up call I make to her at 3 in the morning. Squeeky, cute and so warm that you’d want to leap through the phone lines and just give her a great big loving… (they’ve invented so many things from Star Trek, can’t they start working on the teleportation transporter next?) While on the phone driving, I started to cry. Tears rolled down my cheek as I rolled up the car window, useless becuase the front part is not tinted. I told her that I was crying. She likes knowing when that happens for some reason. I also thanked her for being there on the tough and soft moments of my life. She encourages me both ways. She does it like Dr Phil and sometimes like Freddie Roach. Now, Im not saying Pacquiao needs Dr Phil, but I guess Solis’ punches were not strong enough to knock some sense into this knucklehead.

I cry alot these days because Im happy. I used to cry alot because I was so fraustrated. There was a time when I knew I wanted to be successful because I was bitter. So many people did not believe in me that I wanted to prove them wrong. Those successes are short lived. I’d rather do one simple thing out of inspiration than a big thing out of desparation. I cry becuase I am happy. I am happy becuase of Mads. We may not be together physically… It’s now a year and 15-16 days that we have not seen each other, but just like 63 million seconds ago, it seemed as if it was this morning that I last saw her. I can still smell her hair and feel her tiny fingers on my face… another reason for another tear to roll down to my lips.

My food is getting cold. I will just zap it later in the microwave once she logs on with her burger.

Akala mo kasi natutuwa ako ng bigay nalang ng bigay sayo… Akala mo kasi OK lang sakin na pinagbibigyan ka nalang palagi. Ang hindi mo alam eh madalas, pag nagbibigay ako sayo at pinagbibigyan ka eh may mga saloobin din akong sakin ko nalang tinatago. Eto nalang yung mga bagay na maiiwan sakin at di ko ibibigay sayo.

Lumuhod ako sayo, umuwi jan ako at nilagyan ka ng singsing sa daliri para hingin ang kaligayahan na makasama ka habambuhay. Hindi ko naman alam na kakailanganin na maging ganito pala ang sitwasyon.

Eto, may nag aantay na bagong cellphone, bagong bag at bagong kwintas dito para sayo… kung pagsasama samahin ko lahat to at bibilangin kung magkano ang presyo nila. Nakupo, baka malula ang magulang natin. Di ko pa binibilang ang daan daan dollares na ginugugol ko para lang makausap ka araw araw ha. Wala pa yun!

Pag nagrereklamo ka tungkol sa isang bagay na wala namang pinanggalingan at patutunguhan eh pinapatulan kita. Kinakailangan kong mag sorry sa bagay na wala naman akong kamalay malay na makikitaan mo ng dahilan upang magsimula kang magpiket jan ng mag isa.

Hay naku Mads… Eto na yung mga nasasaloobin ko.

Ang hindi mo alam eh masaya ako na napapaligaya kita. Yung pagbili ng mga materyal na bagay ay hindi tungkol sa mga materyal na bagay mismo. Yun ay para maramdaman mo na espesyal ka. Makikita mo sa pagbigay ko sayo ng regalo na ikaw ang nasa isip ko, ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit nagtatrabaho ako ng malupit. Oo, ok lang na pinagbibigyan kitang palagi. Sa totoo lang, gusto ko ngang nakukuha mo yung mga gusto mo eh. Materyal man or otherwise. Kahit na ba sa isang diskusyon lang yun, kahit na ba lamang na ako at dehado ka, pinapanalo pa din kita. OK lang sakin mag sorry… kasi alam mo? Masaya ako na napapasaya kita. (Madami din namang bagay na mas magaling ka sakin… tulad ng Diner Dash sa www.addictinggames.com)

Ang hindi ko sinasabi sayo, at tinatago ko lang sa sarili ko ay ang pag iisip pa ng iba pang mga bagay, surpresa at balita na magpapasaya sayo. Ang hindi ko sinasabi sayo ay masaya talaga ako Mads na naririnig at nakikita na masaya ka- kahit na sa anung halaga pa po Mads.

Pag nagrereklamo ka tungkol sa mga bagay na walang pinanggalingan at patutunguhan naman ay OK lang. Nararamdaman ko na mahal mo ako. Nararamdaman ko na iniisip mo ako. Kung anung mangyayari o nangyayari sakin. Alam ko na kung meron mang mangyari ay unang una kang mag aalala. Inaaway mo ako kasi minsan akala mo nambababae ako. Ok lang yun sakin. Ang gwapo pa din pala ng pagtingin mo sakin. Para sayo eh may katas pa ako makapang akit ng ibang babae bukod sayo. Salamat… Pero wag kang mag alala. Ikaw ang babae ko. Ikaw lang po. Kung anumang katas at hanggang sa pagtuyot ko eh para sayo lang ako. Sige lang, pwede ka maging paranoid kasi alam kong pinagdadamot mo ako. Sakin ok lang yun. I think it’s sweet. Wag mo lang abusuhin kasi baka minsan naman ay maisip ko wala ka nang tiwala sakin. Pagmamahal at tiwala. Parang ikaw at ako. Di dapat naghihiwalay.

Nung nag propose ako sayo eh hindi ko alam na magiging ganito pala to. Hindi ko alam na ang ibig sabihin pala ng pagmahal ng isang tao ay ang pagpapaligaya sa kanya. Ang pagpapaligaya sa kanya ang magdadala ng totoong ligaya sa sarili. Hindi ko alam na ang tunay na pagmamahal ay ang pag-isip sa mahal mo bago mo isipin ang sarili mo. Ang ganito pala ay hindi tungkol sa kung magiging masaya ako… ito pala ay kung sa magiging masaya ikaw. Ikaw po Mads…

At alam mo yung ginagastos ko para makausap ka? Wag mong isipin na para sayo yun. Wag mong isipin na nakikita ko yun na pag gastos ko para sayo. Nakuha… sobra ka na. Para sakin yun. Para sa kaligayan ko yun. Kasi naman, gusto ko talagang naririnig palagi boses mo. Lalo pag nagigising kita… Ang cute! Pag napapatawa kita, pag nagjojoke tayo sa phone, pag nagpaplano, pag umiiyak ka, pag umiiyak ako, pag naguusap tungkol sa negosyo at iba pang mga bagay bagay… Basta pag alam kong parang magkadikit lang ang tenga at pisngi natin habang nag uusap eh parang buo na ang araw ko.

Syet, love talaga kita.

Yan si Mads - ang brat kong girlfriend. Mahal na mahal na mahal ko!