When life doesnt seem to be adding up… Blame math.

Akala mo kasi natutuwa ako ng bigay nalang ng bigay sayo… Akala mo kasi OK lang sakin na pinagbibigyan ka nalang palagi. Ang hindi mo alam eh madalas, pag nagbibigay ako sayo at pinagbibigyan ka eh may mga saloobin din akong sakin ko nalang tinatago. Eto nalang yung mga bagay na maiiwan sakin at di ko ibibigay sayo.

Lumuhod ako sayo, umuwi jan ako at nilagyan ka ng singsing sa daliri para hingin ang kaligayahan na makasama ka habambuhay. Hindi ko naman alam na kakailanganin na maging ganito pala ang sitwasyon.

Eto, may nag aantay na bagong cellphone, bagong bag at bagong kwintas dito para sayo… kung pagsasama samahin ko lahat to at bibilangin kung magkano ang presyo nila. Nakupo, baka malula ang magulang natin. Di ko pa binibilang ang daan daan dollares na ginugugol ko para lang makausap ka araw araw ha. Wala pa yun!

Pag nagrereklamo ka tungkol sa isang bagay na wala namang pinanggalingan at patutunguhan eh pinapatulan kita. Kinakailangan kong mag sorry sa bagay na wala naman akong kamalay malay na makikitaan mo ng dahilan upang magsimula kang magpiket jan ng mag isa.

Hay naku Mads… Eto na yung mga nasasaloobin ko.

Ang hindi mo alam eh masaya ako na napapaligaya kita. Yung pagbili ng mga materyal na bagay ay hindi tungkol sa mga materyal na bagay mismo. Yun ay para maramdaman mo na espesyal ka. Makikita mo sa pagbigay ko sayo ng regalo na ikaw ang nasa isip ko, ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit nagtatrabaho ako ng malupit. Oo, ok lang na pinagbibigyan kitang palagi. Sa totoo lang, gusto ko ngang nakukuha mo yung mga gusto mo eh. Materyal man or otherwise. Kahit na ba sa isang diskusyon lang yun, kahit na ba lamang na ako at dehado ka, pinapanalo pa din kita. OK lang sakin mag sorry… kasi alam mo? Masaya ako na napapasaya kita. (Madami din namang bagay na mas magaling ka sakin… tulad ng Diner Dash sa www.addictinggames.com)

Ang hindi ko sinasabi sayo, at tinatago ko lang sa sarili ko ay ang pag iisip pa ng iba pang mga bagay, surpresa at balita na magpapasaya sayo. Ang hindi ko sinasabi sayo ay masaya talaga ako Mads na naririnig at nakikita na masaya ka- kahit na sa anung halaga pa po Mads.

Pag nagrereklamo ka tungkol sa mga bagay na walang pinanggalingan at patutunguhan naman ay OK lang. Nararamdaman ko na mahal mo ako. Nararamdaman ko na iniisip mo ako. Kung anung mangyayari o nangyayari sakin. Alam ko na kung meron mang mangyari ay unang una kang mag aalala. Inaaway mo ako kasi minsan akala mo nambababae ako. Ok lang yun sakin. Ang gwapo pa din pala ng pagtingin mo sakin. Para sayo eh may katas pa ako makapang akit ng ibang babae bukod sayo. Salamat… Pero wag kang mag alala. Ikaw ang babae ko. Ikaw lang po. Kung anumang katas at hanggang sa pagtuyot ko eh para sayo lang ako. Sige lang, pwede ka maging paranoid kasi alam kong pinagdadamot mo ako. Sakin ok lang yun. I think it’s sweet. Wag mo lang abusuhin kasi baka minsan naman ay maisip ko wala ka nang tiwala sakin. Pagmamahal at tiwala. Parang ikaw at ako. Di dapat naghihiwalay.

Nung nag propose ako sayo eh hindi ko alam na magiging ganito pala to. Hindi ko alam na ang ibig sabihin pala ng pagmahal ng isang tao ay ang pagpapaligaya sa kanya. Ang pagpapaligaya sa kanya ang magdadala ng totoong ligaya sa sarili. Hindi ko alam na ang tunay na pagmamahal ay ang pag-isip sa mahal mo bago mo isipin ang sarili mo. Ang ganito pala ay hindi tungkol sa kung magiging masaya ako… ito pala ay kung sa magiging masaya ikaw. Ikaw po Mads…

At alam mo yung ginagastos ko para makausap ka? Wag mong isipin na para sayo yun. Wag mong isipin na nakikita ko yun na pag gastos ko para sayo. Nakuha… sobra ka na. Para sakin yun. Para sa kaligayan ko yun. Kasi naman, gusto ko talagang naririnig palagi boses mo. Lalo pag nagigising kita… Ang cute! Pag napapatawa kita, pag nagjojoke tayo sa phone, pag nagpaplano, pag umiiyak ka, pag umiiyak ako, pag naguusap tungkol sa negosyo at iba pang mga bagay bagay… Basta pag alam kong parang magkadikit lang ang tenga at pisngi natin habang nag uusap eh parang buo na ang araw ko.

Syet, love talaga kita.

Yan si Mads - ang brat kong girlfriend. Mahal na mahal na mahal ko!

The "fresco" in the pseudo italian setting of the Venetian hotel offered no solace for the longing. I walked not minding my family as they window shopped at candy coated prices at Dooney and Burke. I was thinking of one thing and one thing only. I wish I could be with Mads. I wish I was with her… Really really really be with her - and bid no more goodbyes.

It’s her birthday. It’s my Mad’s Birthday. It is her day and her man cannot be there to help her celebrate. I couldn’t be there to give her flowers in the morning, make her pancakes for her breakfast in bed and be her escort as she wears her most beautiful self.

In the van on the way home after dinner, I see the bright yellow moon floating over the eastern mountains.  This moon will kiss her face tonight when she stares at is just as I am staring at it right now.

I miss my Mads. It will be innevitable. We’ll celebrate everything between New years day and Christmas… together we will be.

I’ll be home soon. Even if there will be no special occassion… We’ll celebrate still just cause we’re together. Soon Mads… I love you.

Thing is, there is this machine that makes me wake up in the morning, throws me in the hot steamy shower (in which I fall asleep while in it) and makes me trudge my yellow truck across Las Vegas to get to work.  Work. Work.

Is it exciting to get the paycheck? No. Hell no. It’s scary. It will be christmas morning with the direct deposit and will be holy week at end of day as I pray that there some left for my to spend on and save for myself after I’ve accorded my bills their due.

Thing is there is no challenge. Work is the same as yesterday. I find myself complaining and ranting and shitting bull through my mouth about how I loath the job, but guess what? I’ll still wake up that next morning (even on my God given sunday) to the same mundane… I dont even want to say it.

Well, good thing is that I dont want to do this the rest of my life. Im doing this so I can save up for my farm. Yes, I wanna go back home to my "Lupang tinubuan" and raise a family and crops. Do I want a big house? No, just a big home. Do I want it swanky? No, just enough.

I have two job interviews excatly 2 hours from now. I will be needing to wear something outlandishly not Jabby (tie, shirt and slacks) and impress them with my eloquence. Ironically I will ultimately be asking them in the end how much I will be waiting for direct deposit twice a month. 

What’s that machine that makes me wake up in the morning? It’s called my inspiration, my hopes, dreams and promises… Second to that would be the multinational companies that pushes consumerism and insane spending. Hey… c’est la vie !

Sad part of being in a long distance relationship is having to say good bye every night. It’s like an additional poke on an already bruised arm. It can’t be helped though. Not being able to see your girlfriend for months just hurts. It really hurts alot. But hear this… I am not complaining. I shouldnt be still in this relationship if I was. That you just read is an admition of reality. That love is real. That happiness is real. It is as real as pain, as real as sacrifice.

You don’t work out to get the great chest, abs and arms and not expect to feel pain right? You don’t expect to be a good runner without feeling like passing out the first few runs around the oval.

Love, the one that is for keeps, the one that is the one is worth all the pain, the sacrifice, worth all the ups and downs just becuase it is. That’s it. It cannot be justified by an act. It cannot be reasoned out by words. It cant even be made into sense by our beautiful mind. Mushy as this may sound (fuck off if you think it’s gay…) is that Love, the one and true can only be understood by your heart. So, stop thinking about it and enjoy the feeling.

Whenever I speak to Mads on the phone we get carried away with our conversations. One of the downsides of being in a long distance relationship, although technology has made it easier, is that talking can be costly. Every service has a dollar amount attatched to it. Guess what, that’s another reality so deal with it. The sad part of talking on the phone is trying to say goodbye.

Setting up for the goodbye is painful. Specially when you dont want to. Trying to segway to that "O pano na?…" is like driving screws through your own head. It’s very hard. I really don’t like it, but you can’t be on the phone the whole time. Counting down to a goodbye doesnt help either. Telling her "O five minutes nalang ha…"… Damn, don’t say that. It’s alot of trouble. Moods change, the atmosphere turns darker. The feeling becomes uneasy and guess what, the conversation just got extended becuase you are now fighting.

Fighting, arguing, misunderstanding ain’t bad in a long distance relationship, heck! in any type of relationship for that matter. Your hands don’t turn into the tough and strong ones just beacuse youre born with it. The strong capable hands had seen its days of blood, gashes and calouses.

Pain, is but a single (x) in the polynomial of life.

Why am I ranting? I dont know. Maybe coz I guess I just want to say: I cant wait to be with her. I cant wait to actually have a conversation with her and not say goodbye anymore. I cant wait to start talking to her and actually see her eyes. To see her react and respond to what Im saying would be heaven.

I love you Madsko. I miss you so much… I can’t wait to be with you once and for all.

Fast Fact… out of the almost 19 months or almost 590 days of being jab and mads, we’ve only spent 11 days of being together… right there together. Make sense of that…

You know what makes me mad? What makes my blood boil. What makes me cringe and grind my teeth. What makes my clench my fist and just beat the living hell out off…grrr… What makes me mad more than anything is Anger.

Anger never solved anything. It is premordial, it is primal. Anger is a chemical reaction I guess that makes one feel "anger". Is it psychological? I dont know. It might be I would believe more of environment. Anger has this seed that is sowed easily. Anger is contagious and highly torments those weakly accept it’s enveloping.

I dont like it. Anger makes me mad. It makes me feel older. It makes me feel… I dont know. Stupid. Getting mad is stupid becuase you cant think right. You cant make the right decisions. Anger just sucks big time.

Anger is funny too. It just gets there even without a reason. Anger does not think before it acts. Anger is just plain stupid. I cant think of a single thing that anger turns into something good. Can you?

The cold morning under my green sheets makes me wanna go back to that dream I was having. I breath a deep sigh it’s yet another day. It was just last night that I wanted to stay up a little longer talking to my fiance via Yahoo Messenger. Another deep breath and your days first 10 minutes just went by just like that. I could have been done with shower by now. Why can’t 10 mintues at work be this fast? Why does it have to be painfully slow, every drop of a second is agonizingly evident.

Being this far from my lover/bestfriend/future wife/fiance is excruciating to the mind and the spirit. I talk to her, I hear her laugh. I see her and she smiles back. But i cant touch her. I cant kiss her. I can’t hug her or cuddle next to her in the car, the movies or the single bed in the Los Banos apartment.

At night and every free time that i have to myself I think of her. Thinking that we can be sharing deep breaths and silent love right about now. Alone on my bed, my thoughts run… I start imagining how it might be if we were inches away from each other. My heartbeath rises and my neck begins to heat up. Im alone in my room, my door is locked. My thoughts raising. My thoughts of her and myself…

I cringe. I open my eyes and I see my hands. This isn’t so dire. My hands are here. I can put them to work. This maybe be a temporary resolution till I see her again. I will use my hands, well one of them at least. No one’s gonna see me anyways. Im just gonna keep quiet and hope no ones knocks on my door. Im going to gather my thoughts and think of the past. Of how we shared love. Im going to put my hand to use so that even for a short moment I can show her how much I miss her and every single itty bitty inch of her.

There’s not much preparation needed. Anybody can do it. It’s just a matter of thinking back and thinking forward and doing it now. Some say closing your eyes helps, but I like keeping my eyes open lest I make a mistake. Alone  and sitting it’s done best so that’s what I do. I reach for it and my fingers wrap around a familiar length and unmistaking strength. It’s power has been proven before. Hailed to be the greatest weapon man can ever have. It takes me a while before I get started, it has been a while really.

Im doing it now. This is for me and my fiance. This pleasure is not mine, rather it’s really for her. I go on and continue… and without a pause Im seeing the progress. I feel that Im really good at it still. I feel the natural power that’s in my hands…I know Im not doing anything wrong. Everybody’s done it at least once in their lifetime Im sure. Im more then positive it’s done by those who are physically not with their love ones.

I do one, and another then another. I sweat, alone in my room thinking of nothing but my fiance/girlfriend/partner in crime the past minutes. I cant wait till it’s finally over. I’ll be using my tongue to end and seal it all.

I look at the result of my hard work. It’s scattered in front of me… I gather it and makes sure that I make quick work of it lest anybody sees the mess.

I end it with an "I love you" and then my name. I wite a PS down the bottom asking her to do the same. I place my work in an envelope… lick to close it and for good measure drop red wax on it and seal it with the letter "J". I write the address and names and lick the almost 2 dollars worth of stamps.

I hope it gets to her in time. I hope it gets to her at all…

I cant wait to do it again. I place the long hard pen which almost fused with my hands and go back to bed. The sealed love letter is waiting to be mailed. i remembered its a sunday… No mail today.

You find yourself listenning to Better Days  by Dianne Reeves and your sense of smell and taste is somewhat looking for beer. That was my weird moment earlier. That little moment brought me back to those haaay tapos na ang araw may bukas ulit feeling while walking into IC’s cafe and getting that cold crisp 21 peso beer (yes, 21 pesos pa nun…).  Realizing afterwards that that was 2 years ago us a painful hit to oneself. Time has made those days of serious carefree-ness become things of the past, become reason to smile, grunt or just stop and think.

Alison Kraus, 98 degrees, 112, counting crows and southborders kahit kailan brings you back to those senti moments in your bedroom, listenning to the local radio station and have a landline by the bed, waiting for someone to call you. Yes, the cellphone was none existent just the short past ago.

Cupid, Baby now that I found you, invisible man, Wonderwall, Basketcase, Zombie, Dont speak and Sway by Bic Rungga are but humming music last song syndrome hits of the past that reminds you of a person, a classmate, a crush, your coolest barkada or that prom, first beer or first kiss and first break up.

Im happy Ive got indications of my past. A past that I welcome back anytime with open arms, closed eyes and a smile on my lips. Is it the music, the people, the first time experiences or just that era that made a difference in me?

I dont really know. But it sure does feel good…

It’e June… nothing too significant really.

It’s highlights back in the day? Back to school. Around this time in High School you can still feel the new shoes rubbing againts your feet. Your books still straight and the edges not yet frizzled. Class barely has a foothold on you. You still talk about those nights you forgot where you were because you were too drunk to care. You still talk about that summer trip you made to the province, where it was cheaper and everything was cleaner.

In college, classes had barely started. Freshmen are still figuring out where that TBC classroom is located. Classcards are still stuck in the pages of youre new notebook, your bag or your pocket. You adjust to new housemates. You cannot miss a night while everyone is having fun. You meet your old friends, orgmates, old housemates for dinner. You tell them about your Bora, Galera or Batangas escapade with family or friends. To some, they are still figuring out how they can go from 3 units to 18 units in the next few days.

It’s June. Las Vegas Nevada, USA. The temperateure brinks at 112 degrees F. almost 40 degree C. The dry heat, the heated wind dries your skin, your lips, your surroundings. You can’t bare to walk under the sun. It’s as if you are standing in front of a big bonfire at mid day.

It’s June. Summer is gone. You worry in the morning if you should wear a jacket, carry an umbrella. It’s june, you worry about bringing a jacket and end up walking under the suns heat. It’s June, you go out and see the sun’s out. You go home drenched because of the unexpected downpour.

It’s June. I dont have school to look forward to. Gone are the chances for a new routine. Gone are the opportunities for change. No more new shoes, new housemates, new books and new classmates. You look at the same people at work. They annoy you with the same irritating habits. You can’t do anything about it. You just work there. You see people come and go. YOU come and go. You quit your job-find a new one. You need to find one quick before you run out of money. But before anything else. A trip.

A trip back to the fun June. The June school start of classes. You can only ask whatsup? (waasaaaap?) What’s new? (Anung bago?) What’s ours? (anung aten?). You go back and try to feel the excitement again. You can’t. You mind is wrapped with the thought of: I need a new job, I need a second job, I need more money, I need a hobby. Lucky you you can go on a trip. To some of us, we cannot help but reminisce and try to get them thoughts of the past out of our minds. As they say. It’s bitter sweet. Sad.

You find yourself wishing. I should still be in school. Or back in school.

I should!

But I dont get "baon" anymore.

Shit.

Now there’s no turning back. This is it. Theres no stopping time.

June is just like any other month after graduating from school.

What makes June special? Well, it’s just that. Looking back on to the Junes of the past. THe fun old junes that gave us excitement, something new to look forward to, the june that just passed by just like that.

…just like that.

Why can’t other people give in to the innate urge to be happy when other people are happy? Isn’t laughter, smile, sugar spice and everything nice as contagious as H5N1 in chickens and turkeys?

I have been "with" my Fiance’ for a considerably long time now. We have shared quite a bit of ups and downs "together" (the quotation marks indicate pruverbialness due to our proximity from each other; uhm about a whole ocean, but we are really together sill, no matter what). We have share some with friends, some we kept to ourselves, some caused some tears to roll down and some we thought would just go away and die a natural death.

She recently told me that she received a text message from an unidentifiable entity telling her "bad things". Well, to cut it short, someone is out to break us apart. Telling "bad things" about me. Well, that person does not know what waste of time he’she had to go through to send that message, coz plainly, he/she is not going through. Message invalid. I was thinking how that person searched for a free internet service to be able to send an SMS message to my fiance’. Imagine the effort and time spent. This person must really have no life. None whatsoever. I’m assuming this is the same person that sent her messages through Madsy’s YM and some on to her Myspace a long time ago. Grow up. Move on.

It’s sad how far other people would go just to make other happy people’s lives miserable. As miserable as theirs I guess. This person probably makes his/her life interesting by reading pocketbooks wee into the middle of the night, or have several textpals with encoded names and uses a different name as well. He or she probably is still telling herself that all her/his failed relationship(s) in the past is not his/her fault and that he/she is the victim, and that its not his/her lost. Bitter? I thought so too.

This same person is probably wasting precious money-making time by looking at my profile and reading this actual brain fart that I’m having in the middle of the night. To some Hannibalish degree, I feel flattered for the time this person is spending on me and mads, so he/she can do recon work on us and try to clean hi/her tracks so we cannot figure out who he/she is. Dont worry, there is no figuring out. It’s obvious who you are, and it’s just sad. No, not pathetic, it’s… Sad.

I don’t go out to the world and claim that we are happy that we hav the most perfect of relationships that we are invincible. No. Not really, We cry often together and by ourselves. Sometimes even over the phone because we just, well, plainly miss each other. We litter our work and living space with pictures of each other because for every sad moment that we have we have a bigger happy smile to replace that, thanks to the memories we have of each other. We also keep ourselves strong stable and happy by thinking of the other things we have planned and have in store for each other for the rest of our lives together.

So, this is just one brain fart of mine on blog. If that person is reading this; Kudos to you because I actually spent time for you. Aren’t you happy? Isn’t that what you want? Well, here you go. But in actuality, I’ve got more important things to do like wipe the shit off of my shoe, yes that’s more important than you. But this one time is an exception. There is no shit on my shoe coz its all in you mouth.

One thing that makes me sleep well at night is that this person tries to be anonymous. If he or she is really concerned, he/she would have come forward, introduced him/herself to establish credibility and actually blurted out her/his "concern". But no. He/she had to be mysterious. Oh well… Sad. I’ll go to sleep now knowing that this person thinks he/she is the center of the world, that this person is bitter that people are not talking about her, that this person dwells on the past mistakes and thinks that it is not his/her fault, that this person does not have space in her/his mind and heart for change, improvement, for forgiveness and the possibility of a truly blessed and happy life.

You know who you are. And so do I. And so do our other friends and acquaintances. They would probably also think you are pathetic and boring. They would think more lowly of you now because of all the effort you are pouring onto this very petty thing that is out of your reach and way beyond your understanding.

I wish you a happier outlook in life, I wish you someone who can show you that life can be better than imagined, I wish that you’d realize that you’d rather sleep than waste your time, that you’ll know that happinnes is a good thing and that someone who does not wish happinnes to his friends and loved ones do not wish happinnes to themselves. I really do, I wish you freedom from bitterness and that you will finally know that being happy can be, well, a choice sometimes, just like being bitter.

I am not here to prove to everybody how much I love Mads. It’s only to her that I need to prove it to every single waking moment and every moment in between.

For the longest time I’ve felt this pain on my back. I always wanted to get that nice back rub or back massage to ease those little pains from my neck down to my buttocks. It’s all becuase of work. Of office work. Damn it. Someone said, during our lifetime we are only given a spark of lunacy, and that we should sieze that moment. Here I am, rubbing my hard-ass attitude against a harder-assed world, alas, no spark.

Two weeks ago I went home. It was a little taste of what I have always been thinking about the last year. Smell the acrid Manila air and feel the warm salt water splash on my bare feet, My Girlfriends warm hug and sweet kisses.

The trip had it’s highlights and downtimes. Mads and I comfort ourselves with the knowledge that we are now actually spending time together, finally. We just told each other that even though we had times where we cried and felt fraustrated that we are already actually hugging each other and touching each others face.

Before my first night ended when I went back home I proposed to her. I knelt in front of her and openned the black satin box. She gasped in surprise and just hugged me tight. She cried, then I cried. We kept crying for another minute or two. Then I asked her, "will you marry me?". She said "yes" of course. The hard part of it all is that the whole time up to when I proposed I have always dreamed of it. Proposing.

We went to the beach, and with the company of good friends we, well, had fun. We took pictures, and played in the water. We had drinks and good food. We had fun. Most of us had a chance at a four dollar, full body massage with  coconut oil. Four dollars! The pain from the top of my neck down to my buttocks are gone. Four Dollars…

Now I’m back here. Now my Fiance and myself are back to being an ocean apart from each other. This time she’s has a ring on her finger. This time we have an idea how it feels to actually have hugged each other, kisssed each other and touched each others faces.

During that vacation the longing was gone. The pain was forgotten. During those few days it was as if we were invincible. But reality was innevitable. The ocean was mightier than us for now. For now… At the end of the day I guess the pain from the back of the neck down to my buttocks are bearable, are worth it. I guess the sacrifice will justify the good feeling that will be at the end of this whole debocle.

I cant wait. I cant wait for next time. I cant wait for my next "uwi". I will not mind the pain, the wait, it’s all gonna be worth it. There might not be another engagement, another ring, but four dollar massages are going to be welcomed.